Sunday, March 7, 2010

Part 3

Not only did I start researching other churches I also started doing "research" on the internet. I also started playing the piano at the Lutheran church in Tooele. I made pretty good money doing that. Pastor Steve was an amazing man and gave great sermons. I really enjoyed them and I still do. I will never forget the sermon he gave about faith. I couldn't help think that if more sacrament meetings were like this I would WANT to go to church.

I was still battling my depression in a BAD way. My doctor ended up switching my meds. That doesn't sound like a big deal but it was. That change in meds changed my life. I literally went crazy. I thought that I was sane but I really wasn't.

I started becoming very outspoken about the church, The Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith. I had prayed and thought that I had received the answer that none of it was true. I wasn't nice about it either. I let everyone know how I felt.

In December 2008 I literally hit rock bottom. I have another blog dedicated to that so I won't tell the story again here. I ended up hospitalized for depression. I learned who I could really count on throughout that whole experience. It's funny to me that when you go through really hard times you find out who really loves you. So to those of you that stuck by me through this...THANK YOU.

The next few months were a blur to me. So if I get things in the wrong order forgive me. I still wasn't ready to change my life after getting out of the hospital. I was drinking quite heavily again. I had my coffee maker on my counter. My kids didn't one did. I was becoming an addict. I even drank in front of my in-laws on our cruise. I hope you are getting the picture that I REALLY didn't care. I was who I was and I did what I did and if you had a problem with it then to heck with you. Did I mention how bitter I had become? I hated, yes hated, just about everything to do with religion.

I also had thought about taking my name off of the records of the church. I didn't want to be LDS anymore. I was so rebellious. I even pierced my nose! I have to admit even now that I loved it and I still miss having it. I even thought about getting another tattoo. It's a good thing I didn't because knowing me then I would've gotten it in a place that you couldn't hide it. My life was spinning out of control.

In early 2009 my sister had a miscarriage. I knew how devastated she was and so I drove up to spend the weekend with her. It was the weekend that literally changed my life...


Karina said...

I had no idea you where going thru so much. I'm so sorry, but I commend you for being so open. Many people think that their lifes are perfect and look down on those who make some mistakes, or struggle in some way. We have to realize that no one is perfect. I love this quote by Pres. Hinckley: "Stand as followers of the Lord Jesus Christ. None of us will fully reach a stage where we can walk as He walked in this life, but we can work at it. And the more we work at it, the more easily we shall take on the luster of His image in our own lives."
We will never be perfect but we can try. I love you very much and our Heavenly Father loves you very much, you are a choice daughter of God!

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